In which I start out grouchy, then end happy.

Tonight I'm feeling a wee bit grouchy.  Let's just get this out of the way:

1. LOVE the primary kids, but sometimes the responsibilities that come with it are so overwhelming!

2. I am so tired lately.  And moody.  I'd like to blame it on the hormones.  I'm hoping it's just a phase and I'll feel better soon.

3. We have too much stuff.  I am tired of moving piles of stuff around, organizing stuff in the boys' room, finding new places to put the stuff.  I'm feeling a major purge coming on.  Mostly toys, but also our closets are in need of some serious attention (I know this makes Jamie nervous, but it is necessary!).

In a moment of woe-is-me tonight, I picked up my phone to check something and the camera app was pulled up (no doubt the boys were photographing some adventure they were on earlier tonight).  I started flipping through pictures and these recent ones brought a smile to my face.  They reminded me of a great quote by Elder Ballard that I love:

 "Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments.  There will be hard times and frustrating times.  But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."  

These shining moments of joy and satisfaction far outweigh my stresses, so I just need to focus more on them and accept the rest as part of the package deal!

This cracks me up...like I interrupted Hudson having a special moment sipping his tea!

Early morning pow-wow with the beast.

Don't you think he just needs some black socks and sandals, and is he not the cutest little old man tourist you've ever seen?

Caught this sweet mid-air shot of Boston.  Side note: doesn't it also look like some kind of jazzy dance move?

Boston's sweet note to his 4th grade reading buddy, Haley.

A note about this last picture:  I suggested to Boston a few days ago that we go to the store and pick up a little gift for him to give Haley, his reading buddy.  She has been his buddy all year.  The 4th graders come every Friday to Boston's class and they help the kindergartners practice their sight words, read their library books, etc.  A few weeks ago I was helping out in the classroom during this time and I got to see that Boston really lucked out.  Some of the 4th graders are more interested in goofing off with their friends than reading with their kinder buddies, but Haley is really sweet with Boston.  She was reading to him or listening to him read the whole time.

When I suggested he pick out a gift for her, he said, "Mom, I know the perfect thing.  A princess crown."  I thought it was cute, although I think she might be a little old for princess stuff.  But I decided to let him take the lead, since I wanted it to really be heart-felt.  Before we checked out he said, "Mom, I bet she's going to love this because she's a girl and girls love princess stuff."  We got her a tiara and wand, some glow-stick bracelets, and a bag of candy.  Tonight I packed it in a gift bag and asked him to write her a note to put with the gift.  

{Side note:  if the above is hard to decipher, just know all the a's and y's are backwards and it's easier to figure out!  He has done that with several of his letters throughout the year.  He'll go from writing them correctly to writing them backwards for a while.  His teacher tells me this is very common.  I usually help remind him as he writes, but he wrote this all on his own before I could give any input. I thought it was sweet, so I just left it.}

He wrote: "You are a princess Haley.  Thank you for being my reading buddy.  Love, Boston"

He tucked it proudly in the gift bag and is so excited to deliver it tomorrow.  Be still my little mama-heart!!

My Village

Today I opened my kitchen drawer where I keep the wash clothes and found my apple slicer I've been looking for for a few days, and it made me smile.

I smiled because I didn't put it there; my mom did as she was emptying my dishwasher and cleaning my kitchen.

Yesterday I was picking out a shirt for Boston to wear and chuckled when I saw several of Hudson's outfits hung neatly on hangers in his big brothers' closet. 

My mother-in-law hung those there, part of the two loads of clean laundry that she put away after they had sat on my couch for two days. 

Jamie has probably done more laundry in the last 2 months than he has in the last year.  He's cooked--or picked up from a drive through window--more meals than I can count.  He's tended to crying children in the middle of the night when I was either too sound asleep to hear or playing the who can pretend they're asleep the longest game. (Just kidding honey, I never do that.)

I have been in survival mode the last few months, big time.  How do I forget so quickly how tired and useless I am early in my pregnancies? Basically any house work that has been done since early March has been done by Mom, Nelwyn, or Jamie. 

During these times where the balance I'm always searching for is thrown completely off, I have to change my whole way of thinking.  Some days I am better at that than others. Sometimes the piles of toys and laundry remind me of everything I am not doing around my house.

Other days I can convince myself that a messy house is the sign of a happy, active family, and all you need is a few laundry baskets to pile all the toys in and place neatly in the corner so you can say you "cleaned up." 

Sometimes I feel horrendously guilty for my lack of cooking over the last few months--for both financial and nutritional reasons.  Then I remind myself it's only temporary and another peanut butter sandwhich or bowl of cereal for dinner won't kill us.

My priorities these days basically consist of:
1. Keep everyone safe, fed, and where they need to be (school, church, t-ball practice/games).
2. Go to work when I have to, and try not to cry about it.
3. Volunteer at Boston's school and keep up with my church responsibilites.
4. Sleep
Anything else is a bonus.

My babies are healthy and happy.  And when they're not, I'm there to rock them to sleep or wipe the tears away.  That's what matters, more than a clean house and a home-cooked meal.  And I'm grateful for my village, my support-team, helping me so much.




PS--After publishing this, I think it comes across as a little self-deprecating.  I have also gone to lunch with a friend who's going through a divorce, planned a pretty fabulous baby shower for another friend, babysat here and there for friends, stayed up after working all night when I didn't have a baby-sitter, planned and executed a big Teacher Appreciation/In-Service for all the Primary teachers, cheered Boston on at every t-ball practice and game he's had, praised Cade for "reading" books he has memorized,  and celebrated Hudson's latest milestones--learning to crawl and getting his first tooth!

Why is it so easy for me to focus on what I'm not doing well (housework and cooking) instead of celebrating the things that are going right in spite of feeling sick everyday?    Is that a woman thing? Maybe it's just a human thing.  I guess that's one thing I like about journaling/blogging.  It's easier to put things in perspective when you're looking at the big picture

March Happenings

March has been...well...long! I have missed blogging, I just haven't been up to it lately. Every one of us has been sick this month, which is unusual for our usually very healthy family. April is one of my favorite months: warmer weather, Easter, my birthday...so much to look forward to!

April, I hope you're better to us than March!

Here's a little phone dump, since that's about all I'm good for today.

I was cleaning the kitchen one morning and Cade told me there was a "bubble bee" on the window. I said, "oh it's not a bumble bee, it's probably just a mosquito hawk." (We have tons of those outside our house and they get inside every time someone opens the door.) He kept saying, "No Mommy, it's a bubble bee." I just dropped it. Then later I walked by the window and saw this...

A bubble B! Boston is into drawing bubble letters =)

A sick Hudson makes for one sad, very cuddly baby. Luckily he was only sick a few days.

Boston came home from school last week feeling warm. When he fell asleep on my bed at 5:00, drink in hand, I knew he was really sick.

So off to the doctor we went the next morning! He kept asking me, "Am I going to get a shot?" I assured him that shots were only for well-child check ups, that he'd probably just get some medicine to take. So when the doctor came in and said he had strep throat and offered an antibiotic shot to clear it up within 24 hours, I felt so bad for not preparing Boston! But he didn't mind. He didn't even cry, and it was way better than having to take medicine twice a day for 10 days!

In fact, he felt 100% better the next day but couldn't go back to school until he was fever-free for 24 hours, so we packed it up and went to the zoo to enjoy his day off. I think the ice cream helped! (Cade looks like a bit of a creeper, huh?)

Sharing a pretzel and an icee at Target is one of our favorite treats. This day Cade said, "Mommy, take a picture of me being silly drinking my icee."

We are loving the spring weather! Yesterday I was feeling so tired and blah (like most days) but we did venture out to the front porch at least.

Cade dug this little guy out of the flower bed and wanted me to take a picture of his "pet worm."

And while I was distracted with the little critter, this monkey started sampling the mulch. Yum!

Comfort

One of the many things I love about our church is the opportunity to grow as we serve in different callings (assignments). Right now I am serving as the Primary President. It is...challenging. Not in a bad way, although I have moments of feeling under-qualified, overwhelmed, or frustrated with myself or others. Aside from those brief moments of feeling discouraged--they usually come when my head or heart are not in the right place--it is a huge blessing. I know I am serving in this calling at this particular time in my life because I need to learn and grow as a person, as a leader, as a mother.

I have been feeling wiped out this week. I've been a single parent, as Jamie has been working long hours. I know I have no room to complain--there are people who do it everyday. I'm just used to having Jamie home in the evenings and on weekends, so it's hard not having him here. I even intended to do a little complaining on the blog tonight--just get it out there and rid myself of the negative energy. But I decided to start working on my Gospel Instruction lesson I'm teaching this Sunday first, then blog.

I was searching through recent church magazines looking for specific teachings of our living prophets to share with the children.

First article I flipped to: Looking for the Good by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. "Have you ever noticed that people can usually find whatever they are looking for? Look hard enough, and you can discover both good and bad in almost anyone and anything. . . We have a choice. We can seek for the bad in others. Or we can make peace and work to extend to others the understanding, fairness, and forgiveness we so desperately desire for ourselves. It is our choice; for whatever we seek, that we will certainly find."

Second one: Count Your Blessings by Henry B. Eyering. "Find ways to recognize and remember God's kindness. It will build our testimonies. . . The Holy Ghost helps us see what God has done for us. I testify that God loves us and blesses us more than most of us have yet recognized."

You find what you are looking for. Be patient with yourself and others. God loves you and blesses you more than you even recognize. I think He was trying to tell me something tonight.

I have gone through much of today grumbling about being alone, looking around my house and seeing everything that needs to be done, thinking about how I just can't wait until the kids are in bed so I can watch mindless tv and go to sleep early. If I would have continued on that path, I would have found exactly what I was looking for. I would have gone to bed feeling tired and overwhelmed.

Instead I am ending my day grateful for the words of these living prophets that have brought me comfort and a new perspective tonight. So Jamie's gone; it's not ideal. But he has a good job and I am at home with my boys which is exactly where I want to be.

Balance

"You can do anything, but not everything."

--David Allen

The last few days have been overwhelming. I love being home full time with my boys. I really do. I don't miss going off to work at the hospital multiple nights a week. I don't miss staying up all night, pushing my body to extremes of endurance. I don't miss the guilt I always felt leaving my babies to go to work. I don't miss having to coordinate who was going to be picking them up/dropping them off/watching them for the day/watching them for the night. I don't miss having to miss out on family activities because I was at work.

I do miss having breaks. I do miss my friends at work, getting to visit and joke and get advice and bounce ideas off eachother and work as a team in a crisis. I do miss caring for patients and their families. I do miss learning something new about medicine I didn't know before. I do miss the concrete, tangible benefits.

Staying home full-time raising my family is 100% what I want to do. I aspire to be the woman, wife, and mother that the Lord wants me to be. I believe that the most important work I will do in life will be within the walls of my own home. That being said, the day-to-day can be exhausting and frustrating sometimes. When the house is a wreck (even though I've been picking up toys all day) and I haven't accomplished what I really wanted to, I get discouraged.

Sometimes I go to bed thinking about all the things I should have done better. I should have started my day with scripture reading. I should have exercised. I should have read to the boys instead of letting them watch tv. I should have cleaned the bathrooms rather than taking a nap. I should have made a healthy dinner rather than ordering pizza. I could go on and on...

Even when I sit down to blog, lately I have been deleting posts without publishing them because I wish I was a better writer and the words just don't come out as I'd like them to. (I blame this on reading too many blogs of people who are gifted writers.)

Today I finally got out of the funk I've been in and made some changes. I started my day by reading scriptures and actually pondering what I read. (Thank you Hudson for getting me up at 6:30 so I actually had some time to myself to read.) Then I decided to spend the day enjoying my kids. Sure, I spend every day with them, but sometimes the days are long and I am less patient and attentive than I should be. We went to the dentist, then the mall play place. We got gumballs (don't tell the dentist...) and baked chocolate chip cookies in the afternoon. We went to the movies just for fun. We read extra stories at bedtime even though it was late.

Today I made some goals that I hope will help me find a better balance. There are a few things that need to happen everyday that aren't happening now. For instance, I have to take time each day to do something for myself, to recharge my spirit, so I can live in the moment more with my family.

If I'm not careful, this could turn into more items on my to-do list and may become a source of more stress. But what I really want is just better balance. I need to stop comparing myself to others (better writers, better house-keepers, better photographers, better cooks, fellow nurses going on to graduate school, to name a few) and just focus on finding the balance for me, for right now.

So this is my new mantra, what I will chant to myself when I get overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 3 little boys:

"You can do anything, but not everything."

Just do what you can do, and rock it. Live in the moment and enjoy the doing, not just the getting done. But don't expect to do everything.

*****

In other news, look who went and got all chubby:

Tomorrow's goal: start the day with exercise and scripture study. The 6am alarm is going to be painful for this non-morning person, but we'll see how it goes...

Today's Agenda

Play trains with Boston.

Play dinosaurs with Boston.

Watch Cade crawl around and try to keep him out of Boston's stuff.

Make chocolate chip cookies. (Eat half the dough, bake half).

Maybe shower at some point.

Maybe not.