He Is The Gift

I love this Christmas video so much, it brings me to tears whenever I watch it.  I'm not sure exactly why; I think because of the faces.  It is so personal.  Every year I try to make sure we are focusing on the true meaning of Christmas and talking about the story of Christ's birth and not making it about the presents.  But every year I feel the stress of the holidays.  As hard as I try, I feel it every year.  Then I feel guilty for feeling stressed sometimes!

This year I have taken a different approach.  When I feel the pressure mounting--to buy more and do more and bake more and attend more events and serve more--rather than trying to avoid it or work my way out of it, I'm trying to simply acknowledge it for what it is and then visualize it disappearing.  Sounds simple but it does help.

And truly, the message of this video has brought so much peace to my spirit.  As much as we've always tried to focus on the story of Christ's birth as the reason for the Christmas season, this reminder that not only did He come to earth on that sacred, silent night, but he was sent by a loving Heavenly Father as a gift is deeply personal and powerful.  I pray often and sometimes fearfully that none of my children will be taken from me.  I have this constant anxiety that something will happen to them.  (It's one of those stresses I'm trying to work through and let go!) I cannot even begin to understand the love God the Father must have for us if He willingly sent his Beloved Son to the earth to endure what He did and ultimately be killed.  It was the ultimate gift of love.  A love that we cannot comprehend, but one that gives me great peace this holiday season.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begottenSon, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

John 3:16

Boston's Special Day

Today was the big day Boston has been preparing for and anticipating for many months now! His Baptism Day.  

In the Mormon faith, we believe that the Lord has revealed that eight years old is the age of accountability--when children are old enough to have an understanding of right and wrong, and are now responsible for their own actions.  They are old enough to make the decision of whether or not to be baptized.  If they choose to be baptized, they make covenants (promises) to God to take the name of Christ upon them, to keep His commandments, and to love and serve Him.  When we do our best to keep our covenants, Heavenly Father promises to give us the Holy Ghost to comfort and guide us, as well as forgiveness for our sins when we repent, and eternal life with Him after we die.   

Boston was obviously raised in the church and has a solid foundation and a budding testimony of gospel principles.  But still over the past few months and weeks leading up to his baptism, I started to wonder if I have prepared him enough.  Does he know everything he's "supposed" to know?? I found myself making mental lists of things I still need to teach him.

Then as I was studying, I realized something that had never occurred to me before.  Baptism is not for those who have a fully-developed testimony of the gospel! Whether talking about an eight-year-old or an adult convert to the Church, baptism is not the step that comes after you have learned everything you're supposed to learn about the gospel.  It is, of course, really just the first step! It is the first opportunity for them to exercise faith and make a commitment to learning and living the gospel.  

We are so happy that Boston has taken this important step! He has faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and knows They will guide him as he continues on this path of seeking truth.  

Pictures from his special day:

Boston said his favorite part of his day was having so many family and friends come to support him.  He invited his school teacher from last year, as well as his best friend and his family, and they all came! 

Boston and Mrs. LeBlanc

Boston is so handsome, like his Daddy!

Mawmaw and Grandpa

Manny and Papa

So glad Jackson could be here with us.  He's next in a few months!

All the family from the Lightsey side

All the family from the Walker side

Best buddy from school,  Jon

There were also so many families from our ward that came to support Bossy: current and past Primary teachers, classmates, and dear friends.  After the baptism we had a lunch with many of our family and friends, and then took much-needed naps! Hosting drains me, but I am so grateful for the memories we made today.  Now I am left with that after-Christmas feeling...we have been looking forward to this day for so long, it's a little sad that it's over! 

I can't believe my Boston is old enough to be baptized.  I remember when he was a baby, I couldn't even imagine him being eight years old! I'm so grateful for him and his example.  He is so brave and kind.  And I couldn't ask for anything more.  

Thoughts on being a Working Mom

I worked today, and Nelwyn watched the kids.  She took them for popcorn and a mini train ride.  I will never take for granted how blessed we are to have both of our families close enough and so willing to help us.  There's no way we would have been able to make it work these last several years with school and work without the support of both of our families.

I used to feel guilty whenever I left for work.  Especially when I was working more than I am now, and on night shift, I would just dread leaving my babies to go to work.  But it's what we had to do at the time to support ourselves.  My parents, especially Dad, always encouraged me to go to college.  There was never any question, really.  It was just the expectation, and I am so grateful for that.  My nursing career, even though it isn't always easy to leave my family to go to work, has blessed our family in many ways. 

Now that I am only working one day a week, it feels much better.  I actually look forward to my work days! I often tell people who are shocked to find out I have four children and ask how I do it, "Coming to work is like my day off!" It is "work" but it's a different kind of work.  I use different parts of my brain, and it's rewarding in different ways than being a stay-at-home-mom.  I value both of those roles very much.  

While I used to sometimes feel guilt and anxiety about going to work, now I feel content and blessed.  I'm reminded of one of my favorite talks on Motherhood, given by Elder Ballard several years ago.  I remember this was during a particularly challenging time, when I was struggling with not wanting to be working as much as I was.  Jamie was still in school, we only had Boston at the time, and I was working full-time.  General Conference was coming up, and I prayed and asked Heavenly Father if I was doing the right thing.  We wanted to be self-sufficient, but my heart ached to be home with Boston more.  I felt like my parents were raising him half the time.  

Our church places a lot of emphasis on mothers being in the home.  I felt like I was not living up to this expectation of a "good mom" because I was not staying at home full-time.  I don't disagree that a mother's greatest potential for influencing and teaching and nurturing is within the walls of her home, but that sweeping generalization, that all women should be full-time stay-at-home-moms, has never fit me.  And that made me feel sad.  Like I was somehow not being the right kind of mother.  

Then, that April as I was listening to General Conference, I knew God had heard the prayer in my heart, because I heard this answer:

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

These words touched me so deeply, I have never forgotten them.  They have come to my mind often over the years, reminding me that it doesn't matter so much exactly how a person or a family appears from the outside.  Working full-time, part-time, working from home, not working outside the home at all...the details don't matter so much.  What matters to God is that we prioritize our families above all else. During one season of life, I needed to work to feed my family. And now, I enjoy working to feed my mind and spirit. And I believe that makes me a better mother to my children.

Easter

Easter was so low-keyed this year.  We didn't dye eggs; this sounds bad but I just didn't have it in me to deal with the mess. Plus no one around here likes hard boiled eggs except me so I would have had to eat them all! We have been talking to the kids a lot throughout the month about Christ's Atonement and Resurrection and why we celebrate Easter.  By the time Easter came, whenever I'd mention it, Cade would say, "Mom, I already know this story! Jesus died and then he was resurrected..." 

Playing with plastic eggs was a daily pastime the few weeks before Easter. We have this large clear egg that Avery loved to put on her head.

We got together Friday with our playgroup friends to do an egg hunt and party for the kids.  At the last minute we decided to do it inside the church rather than at the park because it had rained the day before.  It worked out nicely because the kids were contained and no one got muddy!

Avery wasn't at all into the egg hunting.  She just carried her bunny basket around watching everyone else! I put a few eggs in her basket and then she was content to just sit and eat her loot. Hudson surprised me by also only wanting to pick up a few eggs and then he was done.  I even gave him a carton rather than his basket so he could fill the holes, but when I told him to go find some more, he said, "I aweady did Mommy!"

Later that day I took Cade with me to go help at Boston's school party.  Boston was sweet to let Cade help him fill up his egg carton and shared his treats. (Side story about Boston's teeth: there was a grandma at the party and she said "Boston have you been kissing girls??" He said NO, turned red and buried his face in my side.  He gets so embarrassed about any kind of lovey-dovey stuff. She was going on and on about how she heard that's how you lose your two front teeth, from kissing too many girls.  She was just trying to be funny I guess but I felt a little bad for Boston being so embarrassed!)

A few days earlier Boston had learned at school about putting an egg in vinegar and watching the shell dissolve.  So we did the experiment at home! All three boys enjoyed checking the progress each day. 

 Now would be the perfect time to share pictures of Easter Sunday, except I didn't take any! Honestly, Sunday morning was not good.  Getting all the kids ready by myself is always hard, but it's made harder by Hudson's tantrums lately.  We were already running late (my fault) so when it was time to get him ready, I was a little frazzled and low on patience.  Then he threw a fit because he didn't want to change into church clothes.  I got so sweaty from wrestling with a flailing, screaming toddler. I couldn't find one of Avery's new sandals.  Cade couldn't find his tie.  Boston needed help combing his hair.  It was all so stressful and overwhelming that I totally lost my temper with Hudson.  I spanked him, which only made him cry harder of course.  We made it out the door, but everyone was crying or stressed (or both!)

We had to sit in the folding chairs in the back because we were later than usual. The opening hymn started, and I couldn't hold back the tears.  I felt so inadequate.  Like such a fake.  Here I was stressing about getting myself and my kids all looking picture-perfect on Easter just so they could look cute and be matching and we could have this beautiful Easter day.  People probably think we have it all together, but really I felt like the worst mother for losing my temper with Hudson.  How am I suppose to teach him to stop throwing fits and control his emotions when I can't even control my anger sometimes? I scooped him up on my lap and kissed him and whispered that I loved him so, so much.  That I was so sorry I got mad.  That I would try to do better.

Even though it was stressful and painful, in a way I think I needed that experience to help me understand Easter more this year.  Jesus Christ came to this earth and died for each and every one of us. He atoned for our sins.  Not just the big ones, but the little ones too.  For me losing my temper with my kids. For the little mistakes I make every day.  I get frustrated with myself for not being as good as I want to be.  But as I was singing this hymn about that first Easter morn, I felt this overwhelming feeling of love and forgiveness.  He doesn't expect us to be perfect; that's impossible.  He just expects us to do our best and recognize when we've done wrong and need to try again.

The Atonement is not just about suffering for our sins. He suffered so that He would be able to comfort us through our trials.  I know I am truly blessed in so many ways, so I don't like to think of some of my circumstances as "trials."  But a conversation with a dear friend recently reminded me that trials come in many forms.  Sometimes they are heavy and devastating, like losing a loved one.  But sometimes they just come as small challenges that pile up.  Financial worries, a child's behavioral problems, depression, the poor choices of family members that cause us pain...This Easter reminded me that He knows each of us.  He knows my stress, my inadequacy, my guilt, my exhaustion, my fear, because He's felt it all.  Just because it's not a huge trial I'm going through, He still knows my daily struggles and they are not unimportant to him.

This touching song, Because He Lives, has become one of my favorites.  I'm the ward music chairperson, so I asked my best friend and her husband to sing it.  I also cried through their song.



Because He Lives by Sally Deford

Because He lives;
Because He rose in mighty triumph from the grave
I put my trust in Him, and seek to follow Him in faith
Because He lives

Because He lives, I shall find strength
To stand against the tempter’s power
He is my refuge and defense in every troubled hour
Because He lives

Chorus:
Because He lives, I can bear whatever burden may be mine
I am encircled in the arms of love divine because He lives
Because He lives, He will banish every shadow of my pain
Every sorrow will be swallowed up in Him
For in His hand is healing for the weary soul
This I know because He lives

Because He lives
My heart is filled with peace amid a world of fear
And through the blindness of the night,
In Him I rest secure
Because He lives

Because He lives
There is no task so great that I cannot endure
I bear no heartache that His tender mercy cannot cure
Because He lives

Because He lives I will fear no darkness
Because He lives I will walk in light
Because He lives I will praise His kindness
Because He lives hope shines ever bright
Because He lives I will seek His righteousness
Because He lives I’ll follow where He leads
Because He lives I shall conquer even death
And I shall live because He lives!

Because He lives I will rejoice in Christ and glorify His name
And with the willing voice of gratitude proclaim:
My Savior lives!
Because He lives He will banish every shadow of my pain
Every sorrow will be swallowed up in Him
For in His hand is healing for the weary soul
This I know, because He lives

It's Great to Be Eight

Sunday evening our Primary had a baptism preview night for all the children turning eight and getting baptized this year.  My presidency did it last year, and I'm so glad they did it again this year, because it's so special for the kids! I enjoyed just getting to show up and be the mom this time, rather than a leader.  

Although it was hardly relaxing...both little ones needed diaper changes during the program and we only had one diaper in the diaper bag.  Not ideal.  Then they were both very restless so Jamie and I tag-teamed, taking turns out in the hall with them.  Jamie was speaking for part of the program and I played the piano at the beginning and the end, so we played musical chairs the whole time.  

But luckily it was short and sweet, and Boston had a GREAT time.  He was so excited afterwards, mostly about joining Cubscouts.  He had a million questions and wanted to talk about Scouts for the rest of the night.  He hasn't stopped talking about his birthday plans, his baptism, and starting Scouts since that night.  

Hard to believe my baby will be turning eight in July.  It is such a treat to watch him as he's grown.  He's definitely still our inquisitive, obedient, people-pleaser, considerate, out-going boy.  The count-down-to-eight is definitely on!

They did a great job of decorating! Loved the green CTR shield theme.

This is his Primary class, minus two children who couldn't make it.

Reading over the info from the Cub Master.  He had all kinds of questions about where to get his uniform, when his first activity will be, and when all his buddies are joining.

We could only persuade Hudson to join the family picture if he could bring his cupcake.  

Small Successes

This.

This is on my fridge, so I read it multiple times a day.  I have printed it out and given it to the girls I visit each month.  Both of them happen to be new moms, and who needs more encouragement than a new mom?! I wish I could share it with every mother I know.  It is absolutely the most uplifting thing I have read.

Because the thing is, motherhood is the best job in the world.  I'm convinced there is nothing on earth more important or needed or worthy of our time and energy than creating homes where children are nurtured and taught the values and principles that will guide them their whole lives.

It's also lonely and tiring.  So very tiring.  There are always clothes to be washed, songs to be sung, books to be read, games to be played, meals to be made, errands to be run, teeth to be brushed, lessons to be taught, noses to be wiped, knees to be kissed, babies to be snuggled, memories to be made. And that's just before lunch time!

As if all of those things (and more) aren't enough, for some reason we put this pressure on ourselves.  We listen to that little voice that nags, "You should be doing better." You should be exercising more, reading more, taking more time for yourself, taking less time for yourself, putting your kids in more activities, simplifying your family's schedule, doing more projects around the house so you have something to show for your day.

One of the reasons I think we all get discouraged at times is that "unnoticed" part.  The things we do largely go unnoticed by others.   Even after ten years of being married, I find it hard not to grumble as I gather up dirty clothes off the floor in every room of the house, wondering if my family even knows how their clothes magically end up back in their drawers clean.

When I'm at work at the hospital I typically get praise or thanks from patients, family members, and co-workers.  Even if I don't get a thanks, I still get a paycheck.  At home, the reward for the work I do is still there, but it's different.  The funny things my toddler says...the sweet giggle I get when I tickle my baby's neck...the "nisest mom award" taped to my bedroom door...those little moments buoy me up and are immensely rewarding.  But they don't pay the bills.  And it can be very easy to fall into the trap of thinking what we do doesn't matter as much because there's not as much immediately to show for it.

The impact of the work mothers do, day in and day out, is harder to measure than in many other jobs. That's why I love this message of celebrating our small successes.  You found a new recipe your kids will actually eat! You helped your child do well on a spelling test! You did your visiting teaching this month.  You read a good book. You sent an e-mail to a friend just to say hello. You were kind to your spouse even though you felt like grumbling.  You got an assignment finished for an on-line class to finally get your degree.  You did a load of laundry and put it away in the same day.

Small successes.  Little victories.  They may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others,  but GOD notices them and they are not small to Him.

(Source here)

Sunday Highlights

I must have said it at least ten times today: "Today is the best day I've had in so long." 

This weekend was General Conference.  I look forward to this semiannual event because the talks that are given are inspired and so uplifting.  During the conference addresses, I find myself nodding, taking mental notes, and the Spirit confirms to me over and over again that the Lord is mindful of us.  Of me.

Also, I DON'T HAVE TO DO THREE HOURS OF CHURCH WITH MY CHILDREN.  THIS IS A KEY REASON I LOVE CONFERENCE SO MUCH! I also have a greater appreciation now for Jamie having the day off from his usual 8+ hours of meetings.  I can't remember the last time all 6 of us were all home for an entire day.  We are so fortunate to be able to view all 5 sessions of Conference online, so we can stay home in our pajamas all day.

I can't even express how wonderful today was for my soul.  As much as I try to be selective and safeguard our time outside the home, having a family this size with all of the responsibilities and commitments we do just makes for some long, full days. I don't actually think of myself as a busy person!  I don't like being "busy," as in feeling hectic and rushed.  I don't want my children to feel like we are always in a hurry to get somewhere or do the next thing on my list.  I cherish moments of just being present in the moment, especially spending time together as a family.

Also I don't want people to perceive me as being too busy to be called upon to help.  Recently a friend called me and needed a favor--a ride home from work since she was sick and couldn't drive.  She apologized over and over, saying she knew I was busy with the kids and she didn't want to ask but didn't know who else to call.  I was so glad she called! For heaven's sake...if I'm too busy to help a friend in need, then I've really got a problem.

Anyway, back to today: so refreshing, so many words that touched my heart, so many sweet moments with my five favorite people. I think the contrast between our typical days, which are filled with school, baseball, work, church service, dinners, household chores...and wonderfully low-key days like today made it all the more enjoyable!

Highlights:
Avie girl got an early birthday present from my parents: a new bed! She's been sleeping in the pack-and-play, which did the job just fine, but now she has a real bed of her own that is bright and cheery--just like her!

All during the setting-up process, Hudson corrected us repeatedly, telling us it was his new bed, not Avery's. He ran and got his blanket and a toy and spent about a half an hour playing in it.  Luckily he agreed to let Avery try it out after he was done breaking it in.  

And the boys enjoyed the mega-fort that Jamie constructed using the boxes from the crib!

As a reward for cleaning their room, which was frighteningly messy from several days of neglect, the boys requested a family jump.  Now that the weather is cooling off, the trampoline is a favorite outdoor activity for all of us.  Generally I sit with Avery and protect her from the mayhem, but she's getting pretty fearless and wants to be in the mix with her brothers!

Avery was not on the bottom of this dog-pile, don't worry.

Although a long afternoon nap came in at a close second, this was my favorite moment of the day:

Ready or not, it's back to the grind tomorrow.  But it's days like today that fill my cup, reminding me just how blessed I am to have a devoted husband, four wonderful/crazy kids, and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  What else could a girl ask for?

Tough

It is not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world.  It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless." 

--L.R. Knost

When I read this, I literally said, "yes."  YES! This speaks to my soul as a mother of boys.  One of the things I am realizing more and more is that the world expects little boys to be tough.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to raise wimpy boys.  I want them to be adventurous and explore new things.  This house is full of ninjas and superheroes, nerf guns and swords.  I think it's important to let them play the way boys naturally play--which in my experience includes lots of growling, jumping off of furniture, and launching toys across the room.

Recently I heard one of my children tell his brother, "don't throw like a girl." I know he didn't even think about what he was saying, he was just repeating something he heard (though not at home, that's for sure).  And although it wasn't mean-spirited, I took the opportunity to tell him he should choose his words more carefully and avoid expressions like that in the future.

The thing is, I passionately believe that the world has enough boys (and girls) who are "tough."  What it needs are more boys who are valiant in standing for truth. Who are brave and kind.  Who are courageous and compassionate.  Who honor women.  Who are not afraid to stand apart from the world.  Who have integrity when people are watching their actions, and especially when no one is watching.

I've said that I wish I could keep my children home with me forever.  Of course I want to shelter them from the bad influences and hurtful things they may encounter when they leave our doorstep.  But since that is both impractical and impossible, I find comfort in the knowledge that I am preparing them to face those challenges.

At least that is my hope for my children, and every child I have the opportunity to influence:

That they won't be "tough" as the world tells them they should be.  But that they will be able to rise above those harmful influences and hurtful situations, and more importantly, that they will lift others up with them.  

Lessons from the Library

 

Our weekly Tuesday morning trip to the library was going fine...until suddenly it wasn't.

The process of checking out, packing up the books, loading up the stroller and leaving with the same number of children I brought into the library is always the hardest part.  It was made more difficult today because of the Summer Reading Club the boys are participating in, which allows them to pick out some crap prizes after logging a certain number of hours reading. Cade was disappointed because the toy he's been saving up for is no longer there. Boston was frustrated the whistle he spent all of his book bucks on didn't even work. Hudson was whining because he didn't get a toy and wanted out of the stroller. And Avery was restless and hungry in her seat.

The library was especially crowded as I tried to keep everyone happy and get through the check out process as quickly and inconspicuously as possible with four loud children and a squeaky double stroller.  Then as we were leaving...Alarms! Bells and whistles! One of my children was clutching a DVD I forgot to check out.  I let out an audible sigh of exasperation as I turned my monstrous stroller around and headed back to the self-check out. After checking out the final DVD we headed for the exit again.

A woman approached me, and I braced for the usual, "You sure have your hands full!" I had seen her and several others watching me with various expressions as I wrestled with my stroller and stack of books.  But instead of the comment I have come to expect, she simply asked if she could pray for me.  Thinking she meant later, I said, "Sure! I can use all the help I can get." (I can usually handle the stress of crowded places with all my children, but I was about to reach my limit.) She surprised me by taking my hand and immediately starting to pray.

Although it did feel a little strange--standing in a public place, holding hands with a stranger, listening to her pray for me--it was also so very touching.  She prayed that I'd have strength and health and protection and courage. She prayed for my children.  She gave glory to God. I fought back the tears.

As quickly as it all started, it was over.  She dropped my hand and asked me, "Are all these your children?" I smiled and told her they were, and she said, "Well you are a blessed woman. You have a wonderful family." Then she turned and went on her way.

Every time I go out in public, people stop me and tell me Wow, you have your hands full, don't you? or ask Are all these children yours?  These comments don't bother me; I know people mean well. I know I stand out because I am young and have a large family and I obviously (hopefully it's obvious) enjoy spending time with my children. But sometimes I want to say, "Yes I have my hands full...feel free to pick up a bag or a child and help a sister out!"

Lately I have been feeling like I need to do more to serve.  There are people who are suffering, and people who are doing big things with their lives in the service of others.  What more can I do, even with the responsibilities I have of raising a young family? Are my children learning from my example that we live our faith in Jesus Christ, not just talk about it?

The woman in the library today taught me a lesson I needed to learn: You don't have to do big things to make a big difference.  She just saw a need and didn't hesitate to do something about it.  She let me know that I was noticed, loved, needed, valued when many others saw and kept walking.

In October General Conference last year, Elder M. Russell Ballard suggested one simple thing we can do to become more dedicated in our discipleship, more truly converted and Christlike:

       "In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help. . . If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible.

President Thomas S. Monson has taught that in many instances Heavenly Father answers another person’s prayers through us—through you and me—through our kind words and deeds, through our simple acts of service and love. And President Spencer W. Kimball said: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other” 

Full talk here.

Reflecting

{This post really has been stewing in my head for these last few months I haven't been blogging. If it seems jumbled and generally disorganized, it is only a reflection of the state of mind in which I find myself most days.}

"If all I get accomplished today is putting away two loads of laundry and keeping the children fed and reasonably happy, then I'll consider it a successful day," I told Erin this morning.  See, Cade is sick with a fever and cough, and Avery is uncharacteristically fussy the last several days--growth spurt? upset tummy? not getting enough milk? colic? normal baby? It's a mystery.  Then I have Hudson, who, fortunately, is generally happy and independent.  Unfortunately, he is also a normal 18-month old and therefore prone to making huge messes and yelling until I figure out what it is that he wants.

I feel like I'm spread a little thin these days.  I need at least two more sets of hands and definitely more uninterrupted sleep at night.  Better yet, another person around full-time to share the workload.  Better YET, another person around full-time to do all the housework, meal planning, errand-running, and all other un-fun household responsibilities, while I just sit on the floor and read books and play with my kids. Some days are better than others.  Some days it's all I can do to make it until bedtime without losing it.

When I had Hudson, I came to the conclusion that anything after two kids is a cinch.  The first baby is hard because, hello? No one knows what they're doing as a first-time parent.  You have to figure everything out as you go.  The second baby is harder because just when you think you have one child figured out, now you have multiple children and you have to learn how to divide your time and precious resources (energy and time) between the two.  But if you can survive two children, adding another (and another) is not that big of a change.  Adding a third baby to our young family was an almost seamless transition.  Once you have mastered having multiple children, it doesn't matter how many you have; it's not as bad as the transition from 0 to 1 or 1 to 2.  Or so I thought.

Oh how I was wrong.  I was just spoiled by Hudson, who was my easiest baby.  Turns out, adding a fourth is kicking my tail.  I attribute this to many factors, like the fact that it's winter and we've all been sick at various times.  Also, Boston is in school, both boys did t-ball in the fall, and I have more responsibilities at church than ever before.  We just have more going on as our family grows.  I consider myself someone who is very protective of my family's time, and I am selective in the quality and quantity of influences I allow into our lives.  But still, as our family grows, so do our commitments.

I suppose (and I hope) we are still somewhat "in the thick of it" and it may get better as Avery gets older.  I don't want to wish away these precious and critical years while my babies are still babies, but ohmygoodness some days are hard.

A problem I recognize in myself is that I am so task-oriented.  I love a good to-do list with boxes that I can fill with little check marks to indicate I have been "productive" and accomplished a certain number of things in a day.  I sometimes often write things down on my list after I have done them, or write things down that don't really need to be written because I do them everyday.  As a society, we are somewhat programmed to think that in order to be successful you must be busy, produce something tangible to show for your efforts, check a certain number of boxes.

That can be problematic for me when I apply that principle to my daily work in my home.  Although I do try to keep things organized and tidy just for everyone's sanity, I have to remind myself that having a clean house is not the ultimate goal.  It's a worthy goal, but not always attainable.  I'd love to read more books, write more, take my children on field trips to educational places, exercise, walk the dog more, and many other things.  But sometimes just taking care of my family and, more importantly, being truly present and intentional in my interactions with them takes up so much of my time and energy there isn't room for the other things.  Sometimes when I temporarily lose sight of what is truly important, I get discouraged.  The quality of time you spend with your children and the impact that has on them isn't measurable.  There's no check-box for that at the end of the day.  By and large, the world doesn't always value the work of mothers in the same way as other professions.  Although I believe it is the most important thing I could be doing with my life, it's hard to always remember that and truly believe it, especially when the going gets rough.

What I'm trying to say is...life is hard sometimes.  But mostly it is wonderful and full of beautiful moments and evidence of God's love and plan of happiness for His children.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured.  The days are long but the years are short.

Erin reminded me of a talk give at our last General Conference that I loved.  President Uchtdorf said:

"Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey. I don’t go cycling with my wife because I’m excited about finishing. I go because the experience of being with her is sweet and enjoyable.
Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?
Do we listen to beautiful music waiting for the final note to fade before we allow ourselves to truly enjoy it? No. We listen and connect to the variations of melody, rhythm, and harmony throughout the composition.
Do we say our prayers with only the “amen” or the end in mind? Of course not. We pray to be close to our Heavenly Father, to receive His Spirit and feel His love.
We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. “This is the day which the Lord hath made … ,” the Psalmist wrote. “Rejoice and be glad in it.”

{The whole talk is wonderful and uplifting.  Read it here.}

July 13 and Thoughts on Large Families

Today was a little brutal.

Started way too early, with Hudson waking up at 6:30.  I was basically walking around in a haze until mid-morning when I put Hudson down for a nap and got showered and ready for the day.

We spent a few hours running errands, including an unexpected stop at the post office to next-day-air Mom's passport to her in California.  Somehow it ended up in the bottom of our diaper bag and she leaves for Mexico in 2 days. (Everyone's blaming Hudson...my money's on Cade, though.)

After a quick nap we had to go to the church for a baptism.  It was sweaty, literally and figuratively.  The AC in the primary room was broken (that does not make me excited for Sunday) so it was about 95 degrees in there.  Maybe not quite that bad, but when you're chasing a one-year old around, trying to keep a three- and five-year old quiet and occupied, pregnant and wearing a floor length dress, I was dying.  Then I had to go up and say a few words to welcome the girls to Primary and Boston and Cade both came up to the front multiple times trying to talk to me! I was very frustrated.  I expected more from them, and they know better.  We left, with me melting and frazzled.

After sitting in the car in front of the AC blowing full blast for a minute, my mood turned around and we had a fun dinner out with Papa and ended the day visiting with our friends and their sweet new baby.  What a perfect end to a crazy day.

As we get closer to having four children, I find myself thinking more and more about having "a lot" of kids (by the world's standards at least).  I have always wanted a large family and each of my children is such a blessing, I wouldn't trade them for anything (most days...) but it recently occurred to me, "I kind of get why many people don't choose to have large families."

Having a large family has its challenges.  It's complicated grocery shopping when my cart is already full of children.  It's distracting visiting with friends over lunch when there's always someone who needs a drink refilled, a spill cleaned up, a ketchup packet opened, a mouth wiped.  It sets us apart not being able to spend as much money on all the activities and toys (both for the kids and adults) and trips as other families.  It's exhausting running errands when you have to buckle and unbuckle multiple children at every stop in this 100 degree heat, carry a diaper bag and a baby, keep eyes on everyone in streets and parking lots and store aisles...you get the picture.

But the bottom line is...to me, those challenges are nothing compared to the beauty of having all my boys piled on top of me wrestling and squealing when I'm pooped from a day like today.  Or the pride in watching each of them learn new things and develop strengths.  We chose to have them all close together so that they can (hopefully) always be close--play together when they're young and support eachother as they grow up.

Some days are challenging and exhausting, like today.  And I'm sure four will be a whole different ball game, but I wouldn't feel complete without each of them.  I often think of this quote from Elder Anderson last fall:

"Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family. My daughters recently referred me to a blog written by a Christian mother (not of our faith) with five children. She commented: “[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get.” She then adds: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. 


It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”

{source here}

10pm: Boston is thrilled to get to stay up late with Mom and Dad

The only picture I took today was a dark, grainy, blurry photo of me and Hudson at 6:30 this morning, in which I look as dazed and grumpy as I felt.  So I'm posting this one from a few nights ago when we let Boston stay up late watching the Home Run Derby.  We are usually pretty strict about bedtime, but Jamie is a softy when it comes to letting Boston watch baseball.  I don't blame him.  I love the extra one-on-one time with him, too.

I Love to See the Temple

Yesterday we had a Primary Activity where we visited the Dallas Temple.  It turned out really nice.  Jamie bailed on us at the last minute to go to a golf tournament with his dad (I gave him a break ONLY because it was his birthday) so I took the boys.  Nelwyn was a huge help, meeting me there at the temple to watch Hudson so I could do everything I needed to do.

 After a greeting from the temple president and his wife inside the temple, the idea was to go on a self-guided tour around the temple grounds with these books they checked out to us.  Yeah...that didn't last too long.  After about 3 stops talking about the number of marble tiles on the walls or the height of the spires, the little ones were pretty much done.  There was a core group of 8 year olds who enjoyed the trivia, but for the most part the little ones were more interested in the fountains and wide open space!

"When you touch the temple, the temple touches you."

Our attempt at a group picture, complete with some nose picking and an escapee in the background.

My handsome boys and me

And...the best part:  running circles around the tree with friends.  

As we were enjoying the beautiful weather and good company outside on the temple grounds, I thought back to the day I was married there.  It was a gray, overcast day and it even rained just as we were finishing pictures and getting ready to leave.  I thought back to how young (19!) and naive I was. I still had so much to learn and experience in life.  Being back 8 and 1/2 years later watching my sons touch those sacred walls (and maybe splash in the fountain a little before they got caught) was wonderful.  

Mother's Day 2012 Talk

I want to hang on to some of these quotes and thoughts I wrote down, so here's my talk from church yesterday, if you're in the mood for a lengthy read!

I’m honored to speak on Mother’s day, although I feel the burden of speaking on this subject of motherhood.  It is a sensitive subject for many people because motherhood evokes our greatest joys and heartache.  Some don’t get to bear or raise their own children like they planned.  For some, our children’s choices and struggles cause our deepest pain.  Demands of young families are hard.  Today I hope to share some insights I’ve gained on this noble and complex subject of motherhood.

Mother's Day

This year Mother's Day was...beautiful.  I recently re-read some posts from past Mother's Days (2011, 2009, 2008) and it was funny/interesting/therapeutic to see relive some of those highs and lows.

Back up a bit...the last 2 weeks have been CUH-razy.  All good things, celebrating and supporting and helping people I love and appreciate so much.  It all culminated this weekend with the mother-of-all-baby-showers I hosted (with help from some amazing women) at our home on Saturday.  Then Sunday I had to speak in church.  

Although being asked to speak on Mother's Day first felt like just one more thing on my already overflowing plate, it turned out to be such a blessing.  It was on my mind all week, but I didn't sit down to write it until Saturday night.  Sometimes when I procrastinate, it ends up making the task more stressful.  Luckily, in this case, I was blessed with clarity and when I sat down with my church magazines and scriptures and notebook/pen and laptop...the thoughts just flowed so quickly I could hardly type fast enough.  I found so many inspirational and uplifting messages the more I searched.  I pretty much just typed without stopping once I got in the zone.  I shut my computer without proof-reading and went to bed feeling good.

Sunday morning I set my alarm for early so I could have a bit of quiet "me time" to proof-read and edit and prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the task.  I don't really mind public speaking; the problem I have is that I am so emotional! I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I see other people cry, and especially when I am touched by the Spirit.  I was so worried I'd cry though the whole thing (as I did every time I read through it Sunday morning).  The subject of Motherhood is so dear to my heart.  But it is such a complex, sensitive subject for many people, too, and I felt a desire to share something uplifting for everyone, especially those who might struggle on Mother's Day.  

After a few times reading through what I had written on Saturday night, I decided not to change anything.  The quotes I had chosen and things I had written were the things that came to my heart and mind when I was feeling strongly guided by the Spirit, so I just decided to go with that.  Good thing I didn't need much "quiet time" because I was quickly joined by one, then two, then all three of my little men.  

Grateful to not be spending my Sunday morning scrambling to get things ready for the day like I sometimes am, what followed was a beautiful morning of just being with the people that matter most to me.  I was presented with cards and gifts--some store bought, some hand crafted.  Boston was especially proud to give me the beaded necklace he made for me--which I proudly wore for the rest of the day. We enjoyed breakfast and a morning filled with the usual rowdiness and controlled chaos that is the norm for our house.

The boys eagerly awaited me finishing breakfast so I could choose chores for them to do from the card Boston had made me at school.  The excitement wore off pretty quickly when I chose "pick up your toys" and "pick up your clothes."  Cade was not at all willing to play along, and asked "are there any play jobs you can pick for me?" 

Mom and Dad met us at church, then came back to our house after sacrament meeting and had dinner on the table when we got home after the rest of our meetings! 

After a nice dinner and more playing, we snapped some pictures and said goodbye to Manny and Papa and called it a day. Here are my favorites: 

4 out of 5 looking, not bad...it's the best one of the bunch.

And here's Cade is sporting his forced smile, which always makes him look like kind of a creeper.

All 3 boys distracted by something now!

And the obligatory "silly face" picture.