Catching Up: May

Not sure what was happening here, but they were all playing nicely, so I'll take it!

First single pony in the back. I died.

This was the best picture I got from Mother's Day! Don't remember where Avery was or why she wasn't throwing a fit that the boys were on me...

I chaperoned Cade's field trip to the Fort Worth Zoo. It was a nice cool day, thankfully! All the boys liked the reptiles the best.

When you show up at church wearing coordinating outfits with your best friend...

For Jamie's birthday, we went out to a Hibachi grill.  Whenever we eat hibachi, we have to reminisce about the first time we took the kids to a place like that, thinking they would love it.  They were TERRIFIED.  The fire and smoke was just too close and scary for them (they were about one and three at the time). I pretty much spent the whole time in the lobby while Jamie waited for the food to be cooked and boxed up. This time was much better! Everyone was excited to watch the "show." Boston even tried to catch some egg that the chef tossed. Such a treat for all of us and a fun night to celebrate Jamie.

I just love this picture of her. Those curls and cheeks!

Memorial Day weekend we went to Austin for Jamie to run a sprint triathlon with two friends. We stayed at Erin and Jeff's, even though they were out of town. We spent some time Sunday at their awesome neighborhood park:

Monday was the race! They ended up canceling the swim portion of the race the night before due to dangerous conditions in the lake (Texas has had so much rain this spring! The current was too strong and there was too much debris in the water). But they still did the bike and run, and we loved being there to cheer them on. 

I forgot to bring a stroller, not thinking about how much walking we'd be doing.  Luckiliy, one of our favorite babysitters, Cara, was also there with us cheering on her dad, so Avery had a personal attendant!

 Boston earned his Wolf rank in Cub scouts.  His den leaders were so kind and held a special mini-pack meeting for him so he could get his award before we move.

I'm not a huge scouting person, but I do love the focus on developing character and learning new skills and being responsible.  It has required Jamie and him to do some projects together, which is always good for Boston.

These two little monkeys and I had to go to the new house for a walk-through one day, so we stopped at Wendy's for a lunch date on the way home. Mmmmm frosties….

I had to include these pictures because the lesson in church that day was about how Sunday is a "delight." Then we came home and the usual Sunday evening melt-downs occurred:

Maybe whoever said Sundays are a "delight" didn't have 1:30-4:30 church with four children and a husband who's gone all day due to his church responsibilities?? Just a guess ;)

Some Day

Even on the hard days, I make a conscious effort not to wish away these days while my children are young. I try to live by this principle of enjoying the journey, not just waiting for the finish line to be happy:

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.  --Thomas S. Monson

I really do love these days of having babies, caring for them, teaching them, watching them learn and grow, soaking up this time when their problems are easy to solve.  Seriously, even when things get rough--errands run a little too long and everyone ends up in tears; tension runs high in the rush to get through dinner, homework, baseball practice, piano practice, baths, and bedtime;  or more than one child needs my attention at the same time and someone inevitably gets left out--I know it's only temporary.

It doesn't mean it's not stressful or overwhelming sometimes, but the fix is usually simple.  Cranky babies can usually be soothed with a snack, a snuggle, or a nap.  Ornery toddlers can often be redirected with a change of scenery and a little positive attention.  Older children can almost always be satisfied with a compromise.  Their problems are relatively small and temporary.

I know this will not always be the case, so I am grateful for this stage of life I am in.  I try not to worry about middle school social problems, high school pressures, moral crossroads, and decisions that will impact their long-term health, happiness, and success.  Right now I basically have total control over their happiness and well-being, and that feels comfortable for me.  Looking too far into the future when they take over the reigns makes me considerably less comfortable.

But, listen.

While there may be many things I'm sure I'll miss about this season of my life, lately I've started a bit of a mental list of things that sound quite appealing about the future:

1. Being able to run errands quickly and efficiently.  No loading and unloading multiple children at each stop (especially brutal in the heat), hauling diaper bags and strollers inside just to get 5 things, realizing I left my list and wallet in the car.

2. Being able to get a drink while I'm out running said errands, without everyone scrambling and fighting over it.  Sometimes a girl just wants to enjoy a soda in peace!

3. Sleeping in past 7:00.  I realize this is years down the road (if at all), but a girl can dream.

4. Being able to pay attention in church. Maybe when that time comes it won't seem so great, but right now the juggling of snacks and sippy cups and crayons and books in the "quiet bag" is rather exhausting, and anything but quiet most Sundays.

5. Spending time and money on myself without feeling guilty.  Of course I do spend money on the necessities, and occasionally on extra treats, but not often.  I find that spending time away from my family--getting my hair done, girls night out, even running errands alone--is hard to come by.  I am always needed at home, and feel guilty leaving if it's for personal reasons.

The 4 babes and the beast.

But now I'll pack that mental list away for another day and get back to the little rug rats that make my today so full. 

Small Successes

This.

This is on my fridge, so I read it multiple times a day.  I have printed it out and given it to the girls I visit each month.  Both of them happen to be new moms, and who needs more encouragement than a new mom?! I wish I could share it with every mother I know.  It is absolutely the most uplifting thing I have read.

Because the thing is, motherhood is the best job in the world.  I'm convinced there is nothing on earth more important or needed or worthy of our time and energy than creating homes where children are nurtured and taught the values and principles that will guide them their whole lives.

It's also lonely and tiring.  So very tiring.  There are always clothes to be washed, songs to be sung, books to be read, games to be played, meals to be made, errands to be run, teeth to be brushed, lessons to be taught, noses to be wiped, knees to be kissed, babies to be snuggled, memories to be made. And that's just before lunch time!

As if all of those things (and more) aren't enough, for some reason we put this pressure on ourselves.  We listen to that little voice that nags, "You should be doing better." You should be exercising more, reading more, taking more time for yourself, taking less time for yourself, putting your kids in more activities, simplifying your family's schedule, doing more projects around the house so you have something to show for your day.

One of the reasons I think we all get discouraged at times is that "unnoticed" part.  The things we do largely go unnoticed by others.   Even after ten years of being married, I find it hard not to grumble as I gather up dirty clothes off the floor in every room of the house, wondering if my family even knows how their clothes magically end up back in their drawers clean.

When I'm at work at the hospital I typically get praise or thanks from patients, family members, and co-workers.  Even if I don't get a thanks, I still get a paycheck.  At home, the reward for the work I do is still there, but it's different.  The funny things my toddler says...the sweet giggle I get when I tickle my baby's neck...the "nisest mom award" taped to my bedroom door...those little moments buoy me up and are immensely rewarding.  But they don't pay the bills.  And it can be very easy to fall into the trap of thinking what we do doesn't matter as much because there's not as much immediately to show for it.

The impact of the work mothers do, day in and day out, is harder to measure than in many other jobs. That's why I love this message of celebrating our small successes.  You found a new recipe your kids will actually eat! You helped your child do well on a spelling test! You did your visiting teaching this month.  You read a good book. You sent an e-mail to a friend just to say hello. You were kind to your spouse even though you felt like grumbling.  You got an assignment finished for an on-line class to finally get your degree.  You did a load of laundry and put it away in the same day.

Small successes.  Little victories.  They may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others,  but GOD notices them and they are not small to Him.

(Source here)

The busiest time of my life?

I'm not sure exactly, but sometimes I wonder if this is truly the busiest time of my life.  

I can't be certain, because I remember thinking the same thing when I was in college.  In fact, during an especially stressful time in one of my classes (probably finals) the professor made the comment, "Don't worry, you will never again be as busy as you are now."  He was, of course, joking.  He correctly pointed out to us that although the deadlines and workload and pressure of college classes were stressful, they were just preparatory for real life ahead!

It is certainly human nature to think that if we just make it to the next milestone, things will be easier.  In college I definitely believed things would be better after I graduated.  And they were easier in a way--far fewer tests to study for and papers to write.  But then you become settled in the next phase of life and you realize things aren't necessarily "better" or "easier" just different.

But still, sometimes I think there can't be anything harder than having a house full of young children. That's not to say I don't love it, or it's not worth it, it's just hard some days.

Yesterday I was at the elementary school hot gluing graham crackers to empty milk cartons in preparation for a gingerbread-house-decorating-activity.  I had my youngest three with me, as I usually do, and was in the ultimate multi-tasking mode: keeping an eye on the boys playing on a swivel chair in one corner, Avery in the stroller next to me requiring a steady stream of broken graham cracker pieces, and trying not to burn every last fingertip.  I thought things were going pretty well, considering no one was crying, whining, sick, or hurt...basically the ideal situation! Until one of the other moms commented that seeing women with young kids confirmed to her that she definitely didn't have baby fever.  Another mom at the table agreed, talking about how her husband wanted more kids, but she would spend the rest of her days convincing him that having just one was so much better and easier.  They weren't really talking specifically to or about me, although it did make me feel a little out of place.

This whole situation really made me think. First of all, when did I get to be such an introvert? This may be an reflective essay for another day, but I realize in some situations I am truly not as out-going and confident as I generally think I am.  I'd say in church settings, or in a crowd full of people with shared values, I am very comfortable.  But get me outside of that comfort-zone, like in a group of women talking about how they would never want more than one or two kids, or people questioning my beliefs (particularly people I don't know--friends are different), and it's like I forget how to speak.

I just have a hard time expressing my beliefs sometimes.  I do think I live my life in a way that is an outward expression of my values and standards, but I've never been good at boldly sharing those things with words.  Why couldn't I have joined in the conversation and said, "You know what? It is hard and sometimes stressful having all these kids, but it's the best thing about my life!" Why do I get nervous when patients ask me what church I go to? Why am I uncomfortable being around my brothers, who do not share my same beliefs anymore, because I feel like they look down on us "religious" folks? Also a complicated topic for another day...

But seriously, when I think about my life and the demands that come with raising a young family, I do think that I will probably look back on this time as one of the busier seasons of life.  Also, I am all about transparency in motherhood.  I don't think it's fair to ourselves or others to pretend that we have it all together.  Or to believe that anyone else has it all figured out all the time either.

As much as I try to Enjoy the Journey of motherhood, I do not Enjoy the Journey of temper tantrums or grocery shopping with a cart full of wiggly little people.  I generally do not Enjoy the Journey of 4-8pm, especially when I'm outnumbered 4:1.  Seriously, dinner, cleaning up, baths, homework, piano practice, and bedtime is enough to make me raise the white flag most nights.

I do not enjoy every minute of every day.  I don't think that makes me a bad mom to admit that.  It makes me a human.  The joy of motherhood comes in moments.  I celebrate the small victories and savor the sweet moments that are scattered among the rest of real life.  I pause while setting the dinner table to notice how grateful I am in that moment that my house is noisy with happily-playing children.  My life would be so empty without that noise.  I make it to that blessed hour of bedtime, and I smile as I remember Hudson unwrapping a tiny plastic Santa ornament and yelling, "Mommy, wook! I found baby JESUS!"

I watch these videos of Avery dancing over and over.  The joy I feel watching her dance (which happens anytime she hears music) is one of those things that I wish I could better express to people who don't get why I value my family so much, or why being a mom to these kids is infinitely more fulfilling than having more time, more money, or less stressful days.  Because I believe that's an illusion anyway.

Salt & Pepper

Today was a long one.  The morning was good, but as the day went on, I'm just gonna be honest...I wanted to run for the hills (or maybe Manny's house).  At one point all four kids were crying, and I was close to joining them.

I was recently talking to a girl at work who just had her first baby.  After showing me pictures of the chunky little guy and gushing about how cute his half-smile is, she said something along the lines of, "I don't know how you do it with four." She got teary-eyed talking about going home after a 12 hour shift, and being handed a crying baby in need of a meal from his mama by a worn-out husband in need of a break.

I jumped up and gave her a hug, told her she is doing terrifically well.  I assured her that it is so worth it, even though the days and nights can feel impossibly long. That admitting it's been a harder adjustment than she thought doesn't mean she's a bad mom.  That the joy of motherhood comes in moments, sometimes difficult to recognize in the midst of the messes and the crying and the weight of the world she feels on her shoulders.

But the secret is to hold on to those shining moments for dear life and let them buoy you up. When you are barely treading water.  When you feel like what you are doing is not good enough.  When you don't think you can make it to bedtime.  When you think being a mother is the hardest job you've ever done. When you want to give up.

At 4:45 today, everyone was in tears, and I was frazzled.  At 5:15 we were sitting at the dinner table giggling at Hudson playing with the salt and pepper.  He was so proud of himself for building this tower!

Then he realized they made the perfect wall to play peek-a-boo with his brothers.

Those big brown eyes and that contagious smile, they get me every time. 

Checking In

I have wanted to get back to this little blog so many times over the last 7 weeks, but my internal dialogue always goes something like this:

morning: I have too many things to do while the kids are awake, so I'll blog during naptime.
naptime: Do I blog or take advantage of the quiet time and take a nap myself? zzzzzzz....
nighttime: I'm too tired to put any thoughts together. i'll get to it tomorrow when my mind is fresh.
lather, rinse, repeat.

I've been in survival mode.  Can't remember how long this phase lasts, but I'm looking forward to consistently feeling like I've got a handle on things.

So today, a few random things:

1. The Baby K'Tan carrier is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I have never "worn" any of my babies as much as I do Avery, but this has been a life-saver.  She sleeps so soundly as soon as I tuck her in the sling and then I have my hands free.  I can prepare meals, pick up Hudson, rock him to sleep, vacuum, shower, etc.  (Just kidding, I don't shower while wearing her in the sling...but practically everything else!)

2. Seventeen-month olds should not be left unattended near Christmas trees.  At least not before you check to make sure there are no "snow" filled ornaments within reach.

3. I cannot possibly do everything I want to do.  This is a hard lesson I seem to have to relearn each time I have a child.  Just when I think I have a good balance going...juggling everything nicely...all the balls come crashing down and I have to figure out how to balance things again.  Church service, volunteering at school, projects, errands to run, activities with the kids, time for myself...so much I feel like I should be doing, but I just can't do it.  My days consist of taking care of little ones.  All.Day.Every.Day.  Then at nighttime, all I want to do is collapse in bed because I'm so tired.  It is the most fulfilling and draining job at the same time.

4. I watch the clock in the afternoon, waiting till Boston gets home.  I love when he comes in the door and immediately asks where all the little ones are.  I want to know all about his day: what he learned, what was the funnest part, who he sat by/played with, etc.  He usually just wants to launch into some game with Cade.  I get my school updates in snippets throughout the evening whenever he wants to share.  We miss him when he's at school, but I love that he is learning so much and having fun and thriving there in public school.

5.  No matter how many toys we have in the playroom, whatever seasonal decor I put out is way more enticing to little ones.  The boys have been playing with a plastic nativity and some decorative boxes for 3 days straight.

6.  I was in the process of weaning Hudson from his binkie this fall.  Only for naptime and bedtime was the rule.  Then Avery was born and I got a little lax.  I would leave it in his crib with his blanket when he woke up, but if he cried for it, I'd give it to him.  Then he got sick, and well, desperate times call for desperate measures.  He basically carries the binkie and blanket around the house with him 24/7. Whatev.  There's always New Years for starting fresh.

7. I never thought I'd say this, but I am kind of, maybe, a little bit, starting to miss my job at the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, I have major anxiety about starting back at the end of the year, and I hate leaving my babies, but I miss the adult interaction and the patient care.  I feel like there is so much more I want to learn in the field of critical care nursing.  I want to get my CCRN (critical care RN certification) next year.

And some of my favorite phone dump photos from the past few months:

Trampoline fun!

Bossy and me at his "Running Bear" performance

Halloween 2012 (before Cade saw a scary costume and all hell broke loose.  He spent the whole night crying in the car, poor kid!)

My gift to myself: all my babies on one necklace.

Trying my hand at making flowers and headbands

I could stare at that face all day

Classic Hudson the last few days: removing all the ornaments at the bottom of the tree.

Park Trip (aka Bathroom Trip)

It was actually not unbearably hot at 8am today so I agreed to take the little boys to the park after dropping Boston off at school.  

And by "take the boys to the park" I really mean we spent about 10 minutes playing and 20 minutes in the bathroom.

As soon as we got to the far end of the playground from where we parked, Cade announced he had to go to the bathroom.  Of course.  The child has to go to the bathroom nearly every time we are in public, whether he went prior to leaving home or not.  

"Number 1 or 2?" I asked, the golden question. Hoping to avoid a trek across the park to the bathroom, I thought maybe we could just dart into the woods and take care of the problem.  

No such luck.  

So we hauled all the way over to the bathroom (and I say "haul" because Hudson weighs about 23 lbs. and I'm 8 months pregnant...carrying him for long distances is a work out) and waited while Cade used the facilities.  More accurately, I wrestled with a wiggly 14 month old who wanted to crawl around and explore the bathroom rather than be held, trying to keep him occupied by pointing out bugs and cracks in the cement walls (he was not impressed).  The challenging thing with Cade, or any 3 year old I suppose, is that he cannot be rushed.  He does things on his own time table, and is generally not in a hurry to move from point A to point B.  I was already checking my watch at that point, wondering how long my energy level could keep up, already feeling exhausted just from the long(ish) walk and wrestling match with Hudson.  

"Nevermind, I just went number one," Cade shared as he finished up.  

"Ok," I said as sweetly as I could, "next time just tell me so you can go in the woods and not have to walk all the way over to this nasty bathroom."

So back to the playground we went. 

For about 5 minutes, until Cade shouted, "Mom! I have to go number 2 really bad this time!"

This time I convinced him to go to the bathroom himself (since we were the only ones at the park and I could now see it from where I was) and yell to me when he needed me to come help him.  He didn't like that idea, but I convinced him by suggesting it was either that or go home, so he agreed.

Thirty seconds after going into the bathroom, I'm being paged.  "Mom, I need help getting on the potty!"

"You got on by yourself just a second ago, you can do it again!" I yelled back, trying to buy myself a few minutes sitting down while Hudson crawled around examining wood chips.

"But this time I picked the big one and I can't get on!" Naturally, he chose the handicap stall this time.  Of course.  So back to the bathroom Hudson and I went to help Cade.  I didn't see the point leaving him at that point, so again we waited.

Again Hudson and I paced and wrestled.
Again I checked my watch.

I knew better than to rush him through this time, though.  I knew if he didn't take his time and actually finish, we'd end up back for a third trip, and I was sure my hips and nerves could not handle that.  When the time came, I had to put Hudson down on the floor since Cade required my "assistance," and he bolted for the open door.  I just let him go, thinking crawling out into the dirt was no worse than crawling around the nasty concrete bathroom floor.  After all was said and done, we emerged: sweaty, tired, breathing heavy, ready to go home (me) and ready to play (Cade).  I found Hudson just a few feet away being watched over by a nervous looking older man, the crossing guard cutting through the park on his way home from his morning duties.

I scooped him up and we headed back out, but this time just to the nearby swings.  I convinced Cade to swing with Hudson for 5 minutes and then we'd go home.  It was close to 9:00, almost Hudson's naptime, and most definitely my naptime.

"But I'm not done playing!" he protested.  But after promising he could watch a show on my bed while I folded laundry (that's code for lay down and rest/nap), he left willingly.

"That was super fun, huh Mom? Can we come back tomorrow?" he asked on the drive home.  

Uh, let me think...maybe when the weather is cooler, Hudson can walk, I'm not hugely pregnant, and you have emptied your bladder and bowels completely before we leave home.

July 9 & a triple meltdown

11:25 am: waiting for Dr. H @ this guy's 12 month well-child check up

{I'm posting an iphone picture each day in July.  See them all here.}

I'm used to going pretty much everywhere with all three boys in tow.  I feel like I'm pretty good at managing the chaos, anticipating problems that may come up (hungry kids, tired baby, etc.), and keeping my cool when the inevitable melt-downs occur.

Still, days like today make me break into a cold sweat at the thought of having 4, I'm not gonna lie.  

We had to go to the pediatrician for Hudson's one-year check up.  I do somewhat look forward to the well-child exams.  I love our pediatrician, and it's nice to get the stats and see the growth chart and all that jazz.  The problem is, we almost always have to wait a long time, and the toys, books, and crackers can only keep the troops occupied for so long.  

I knew it was going to be a sweaty one when Boston was crying before we even got in the door.  Poor guy was opening the front door for me like a little gentleman, but he opened it right onto his foot and took a chunk out of his big toe.  We got a bandaid from the receptionist, along with a clipboard full of papers, and found a seat.  Hudson wasted no time pulling every magazine and flyer off the shelf and crawling all over the waiting room while I tried to help Boston calm down, clean up his bloody toe, fill out all the papers, and play tic-tac-toe with Cade.

When we got called back, the nurse took all Hudson's measurements and vital signs and left us to wait for the doctor in the exam room.  The older boys looked at books and started in on the snacks I had packed, while Hudson got right to work shredding the paper on the exam table.  

Hudson-1, Exam Table Paper-0.

This kid loves tearing paper, seriously.  Magazines don't stand a chance at our house.  

After the paper-tearing-frenzy was over, I kept him occupied with toys from the diaper bag for a while, but he just wanted to get down and crawl around or climb all over me.  Eventually I got the goldfish out for him.  After eating a few handfuls of those, and crushing many more all over the exam table, I closed the lid and handed it to him to just play with.  

Rookie mistake.

He immediately threw it onto the tile floor and it busted open, sending a spray of goldfish all over the room.  I recruited Boston to stand next to the table and guard Hudson from diving off while I tried to sweep up the mess with my hands (nasty).  Of course Dr. Harris came in just at that moment I'm down on my hands and knees under the table picking up crumbs. 

Luckily she is super sweet and knows us well, so she wasn't phased by the chaos.  She started talking to the boys, heard all about our box fort and Boston's latest lego creation, and we shared the good news about our little lady on the way.  

She noticed Boston's banged up toe, got out some gauze and antiseptic wash to clean it a little better, put a new bandaid on it, then turned her attention to Hudson.  He got a clean bill of health and charmed her with his shy smile and big brown eyes.  

It was hard to get a word in edge wise with Boston and Cade talking non-stop, but we did have a nice quick visit.  She left and Hudson had to get three shots, which he was not a big fan of.  I hate how the nurse makes me hold his arms;  he's smiling up at me and then BAM! BAM! BAM! It's a necessary evil-those darn shots.  I tried to get him dressed quickly and get all the toys and everything together so we could get out of there and I knew he'd stop crying.

Feeling left out that he was the only brother who hadn't cried during this visit, Cade had a melt-down on the way out when we walked by the receptionist's desk and the sticker bucket was not in its usual spot.  We could see it through the window and Cade wanted me to ask them for the stickers.  At that point Hudson was still crying from the shots and all the receptionists were on the phones, so I just wanted to high-tail it out of there.  I hurried the boys out the door empty handed, ruining Cade's whole morning.  

I do feel a little bad about that now; he was really good throughout the hour of waiting, and he knows he always gets a sticker when we go to the doctor...but not that bad, since he was over it 2 minutes down the road. 

Hudson fell asleep right away in the car, and I drove extra slow all the way home just to enjoy the peace and quiet and celebrate having survived another outing with the three ringed circus.  

Balance

"You can do anything, but not everything."

--David Allen

The last few days have been overwhelming. I love being home full time with my boys. I really do. I don't miss going off to work at the hospital multiple nights a week. I don't miss staying up all night, pushing my body to extremes of endurance. I don't miss the guilt I always felt leaving my babies to go to work. I don't miss having to coordinate who was going to be picking them up/dropping them off/watching them for the day/watching them for the night. I don't miss having to miss out on family activities because I was at work.

I do miss having breaks. I do miss my friends at work, getting to visit and joke and get advice and bounce ideas off eachother and work as a team in a crisis. I do miss caring for patients and their families. I do miss learning something new about medicine I didn't know before. I do miss the concrete, tangible benefits.

Staying home full-time raising my family is 100% what I want to do. I aspire to be the woman, wife, and mother that the Lord wants me to be. I believe that the most important work I will do in life will be within the walls of my own home. That being said, the day-to-day can be exhausting and frustrating sometimes. When the house is a wreck (even though I've been picking up toys all day) and I haven't accomplished what I really wanted to, I get discouraged.

Sometimes I go to bed thinking about all the things I should have done better. I should have started my day with scripture reading. I should have exercised. I should have read to the boys instead of letting them watch tv. I should have cleaned the bathrooms rather than taking a nap. I should have made a healthy dinner rather than ordering pizza. I could go on and on...

Even when I sit down to blog, lately I have been deleting posts without publishing them because I wish I was a better writer and the words just don't come out as I'd like them to. (I blame this on reading too many blogs of people who are gifted writers.)

Today I finally got out of the funk I've been in and made some changes. I started my day by reading scriptures and actually pondering what I read. (Thank you Hudson for getting me up at 6:30 so I actually had some time to myself to read.) Then I decided to spend the day enjoying my kids. Sure, I spend every day with them, but sometimes the days are long and I am less patient and attentive than I should be. We went to the dentist, then the mall play place. We got gumballs (don't tell the dentist...) and baked chocolate chip cookies in the afternoon. We went to the movies just for fun. We read extra stories at bedtime even though it was late.

Today I made some goals that I hope will help me find a better balance. There are a few things that need to happen everyday that aren't happening now. For instance, I have to take time each day to do something for myself, to recharge my spirit, so I can live in the moment more with my family.

If I'm not careful, this could turn into more items on my to-do list and may become a source of more stress. But what I really want is just better balance. I need to stop comparing myself to others (better writers, better house-keepers, better photographers, better cooks, fellow nurses going on to graduate school, to name a few) and just focus on finding the balance for me, for right now.

So this is my new mantra, what I will chant to myself when I get overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 3 little boys:

"You can do anything, but not everything."

Just do what you can do, and rock it. Live in the moment and enjoy the doing, not just the getting done. But don't expect to do everything.

*****

In other news, look who went and got all chubby:

Tomorrow's goal: start the day with exercise and scripture study. The 6am alarm is going to be painful for this non-morning person, but we'll see how it goes...

Bathtime

Bathtime is such a magical time. The boys love it; they could stay in for hours. They're contained and can't make *too big* of a mess. I don't have to do much except supervise, and I get to listen to their giggles and creative imaginations at work. The only down-side is the occassional emergency evacuation of the tub due to...shall we say...contamination. A few nights ago I was checking my email or doing something on the laptop on the bathroom floor when Boston announced, "Mom, someone pooped in the tub." Hmm...I wonder who that someone was? I won't name any names.

Looking at these pictures Mom sent me from bathtime at her house the other day...my babies look so big! Especially Boston...it still hits me sometimes that my baby will be starting kindergarten this year. I tear up whenever I drive by an elementary school and start thinking about his first day of school! I'm sure he won't even look back. I'll be bawling all the way home.

{these next few pictures were carefully edited=)}

Manny always slathers them with lotion after she bathes them, then they often watch a movie in her bed. Nothing better than a freshly bathed and greased up baby!

Wednesday Morning Ramblings

Cheese! Sadly, all those curls have been cut off now. It was just too hard to manage the chaos!

Wednesday is my second favorite day of the week. Not as awesome as Saturdays, but come on, every day can't be the weekend.

Wednesdays mean washing my scrubs and hanging them up until next week. (<----that is just an expression; the reality is I don't actually do laundry till it's piling up and then it usually takes several more days to hang them up!) Next Sunday I'll have to dig deep and decide whether I am going to cry or be a big girl when it comes time to leave my babies and go to work. Next Sunday I'll be torn between wanting to stay home and be a mommy, and reminding myself that they are getting loved (read: spoiled) by family while I'm gone. But on Wednesdays I trade in my nursing hat for my mommy hat. It's a much easier and more comfortable fit!

Wednesdays mean spending 50 minutes driving round trip to preschool. We pick up a fellow classmate on the way. Not because it's convenient or on the way or I get paid to do it, but because her mommy and daddy both work and she has no other way to get there. And my mama heart wants to help another mama out. And I get to listen to two four-year-olds giggle and chat in the backseat and play their "guess what I ate" game. It basically just involves pretending to eat the silliest thing you can think of (ie. a big horse, stinky feet, your pillow, etc.) then the other person fake laughs, and repeat.

Wednesdays mean rolling down the window and yelling "love you Boston!" as he runs up to the teacher's door. Because he's four and he still turns around just before runs inside to yell, "love you too, Mom! I'll be finking about ya while I'm at school!" And I'll keep doing that because one day too soon he'll be too embarrassed for his friends to see his mom yelling to him from the car, where she's unshowered and still in her pjs, having just rolled out of bed 5 minutes before getting in the car.

Sometimes Wednesdays mean crawling back into the bed when I get home from the school run with Cade. Today we grabbed a couple peanut butter cookies and stuffed animals and have been cuddling and watching the same 2 episodes of his favorite cartoon on the DVR that we've watched a million times. Because he will only be my baby for 5 more months. And because it's 23 degrees outside, so what else is there to do besides stay in your jammies and snuggle in a warm bed?

Wednesdays mean Family Home Evening at our house. Recently while at our home for dinner, one of the missionaries commented "oh, that's too bad," when I said I worked Sunday and Monday nights. Nothing else, just "that's too bad." And I spent 2 days being offended by that.

Who is he to judge me for working Monday nights? He doesn't know anything about our circumstances. I should have explained we do family night on Wednesdays instead. Why didn't I say that? No, I don't have to justify the way we do things.

And then I got over it because #1. He probably didn't even mean anything by it. #2. If he did, who cares, it's my fault if I choose to be offended. #3. I was only upset by it because it's a sensitive subject for me. I wish I was home on Monday nights, but that is not my reality right now. It is a conscious choice I make (or I try to make) to look for the positive and not be Debby Downer about it. So we do FHE on Wednesday night instead of Monday, who cares. Not us, and not Heavenly Father either, I have to believe. We are doing our best to make it a consistent, weekly event. Boston looks forward to it, and I always feel like it was time well spent.

*Tonight I am going to re-use a game I made for music time in primary last week. I washed out an egg carton and wrote the numbers 1-12 randomly in the spaces. You place a marble in, shake the egg carton, then open it and see where it landed. For primary I had chosen 12 different ways to sing the song. For FHE I'll have a paper that has 12 different fun things to do-like "say something you love about someone in your family" or "give everyone in the room a high five" or "share your favorite scripture" or "choose your favorite song to sing." The possibilities are endless! (<------I just remembered the egg carton and made up that whole activity! I love quick, simple, fun activities for family night!)

Well, Cade is done with me being on the computer and ready for some attention from Mommy. So I will go enjoy my boy, and enjoy this day.

Happy Wednesday everyone!